It is obvious to see the Esther suffers from indecision, or at least it was one of the main characteristics of Esther that has stuck out at me. It might have been because I was looking for it, since we discussed it early on in class, but I'm I think that I find it to be such a major factor on both Esther's emotional and mental health is because I can easily relate to her indecisiveness.
Throughout the book Esther is constantly battling with her indecision or confusion. There are countless examples of this struggle, but there were two that are especially recognizable. One was when she imagines her life represented by a fig tree and each fig tells a different story of a possible future she could have. She knows that she can only choose one, but it's so overwhelming for her and she doesn't know what she really wants so she just sits there, paralyzed with indecision until the figs rot and fall to the ground. This is exactly how I feel. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go and so I just push off the decision, silently hoping that it will go away. I'm afraid that one day I'll pick a path, or to use the analogy, a fig, and I won't be able to go back. I'm stuck with the fig I chose.
Anyway, the second moment where Esther displays her indecision is when she makes plans for her summer but discards each plan in rapid succession. Nothing seems right to her, she can't find the perfect decision so she chooses to make none. Indecision is a decision of itself, although its probably the worst one you can make. She is filled with ideas but she cant focus on a single one. She's confused and it's easy to see that this indecision makes her the prime subject for a breakdown, which does eventually happen in the book.
Esther feels alone like there is no one that truly understands her, and in the indecisiveness factor of my life, I sometimes feel the same way. People toss around the word "indecisive" so casually but not many understand the huge burden that it can carry. People tell me to move on, that I should just go with my gut instinct, everything will work out, that it doesn't matter. But it does matter and it's not that easy. I feel like I need to know everything that's going on before I even consider making a decision. I let others make my decision for me and I lose my independence. It's actually kind of a weird thought that I can relate to this aspect of Esther's life so easily, because I saw what it did to her, and I have to take a step back and realize that I am in a totally different position.
I like your point about Esther's indecisiveness playing a role in her desire to commit suicide, because I think it definitely does. But I think it plays a few roles in her life. First of all, her indecisiveness is part of what prolongs her suicide attempts because at first she can't figure out what the best, most convenient way to kill herself is. Second, and in contrast with the first point, it prevents her from being able to latch onto something and hopefully find some happiness. Third, I think her indecisiveness plagues her because she is much easier to be led along than someone who was very vocal about what they wanted.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the idea that indecision is the worst decision one could possibly make. It reminds me of all of the times I have heard the phrase, "Where do you want to eat?" and right after, "I don't know..." I understand that sometimes people don't care where they eat, but then there are the horror stories of going somewhere, and having someone say, "But not here." If you already said "I don't know," or "I don't care," don't complain about the decision. You made the decision to not care, and put the weight of the decision on the other person.
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