Bell Jar ends with an extremely inconclusive scene. She walks into the conference room with all of the doctors and that's where it cuts off. For me at least, I wasn't happy with this ending at all. I was left with a feeling of "well what happened after?" I've been right next to Esther the entire novel and I was dying to know if all worked out. I'm not going to lie, I felt slightly cheated. I mean, I had to watch Esther suffer but I wasn't allowed to see the brighter side of her life? It made me feel like maybe Esther didn't have a bright side to her life, and Sylvia was saving us from realizing that Esther never got over her depression and never recovered. Instead we are left to our own imagination and we are spared the grief of a, well, not happily ever after. Esther might have been mentally healthy at that moment at the end of the book, but who's to say that it wouldn't come back. This is something that even Esther thinks about for herself. Even if Esther was announced as being mentally stable, I don't think that much would change in Esther's life. She would still have her feelings and thoughts and her memories and would essentially be the same person. Hopefully though, she is able to move on and continue living.
Depression isn't something that can just be cured, and I think that since Sylvia Plath suffered from it herself, she knew that and decided it wasn't fair to say that Esther never relapsed. As readers we shouldn't expect anything less, but for me, I really wanted to see Esther live a long happy life. I felt that's what she deserved. I was frustrated with the ending, but I guess I will never know.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Esther, Indecision, and Me.
It is obvious to see the Esther suffers from indecision, or at least it was one of the main characteristics of Esther that has stuck out at me. It might have been because I was looking for it, since we discussed it early on in class, but I'm I think that I find it to be such a major factor on both Esther's emotional and mental health is because I can easily relate to her indecisiveness.
Throughout the book Esther is constantly battling with her indecision or confusion. There are countless examples of this struggle, but there were two that are especially recognizable. One was when she imagines her life represented by a fig tree and each fig tells a different story of a possible future she could have. She knows that she can only choose one, but it's so overwhelming for her and she doesn't know what she really wants so she just sits there, paralyzed with indecision until the figs rot and fall to the ground. This is exactly how I feel. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go and so I just push off the decision, silently hoping that it will go away. I'm afraid that one day I'll pick a path, or to use the analogy, a fig, and I won't be able to go back. I'm stuck with the fig I chose.
Anyway, the second moment where Esther displays her indecision is when she makes plans for her summer but discards each plan in rapid succession. Nothing seems right to her, she can't find the perfect decision so she chooses to make none. Indecision is a decision of itself, although its probably the worst one you can make. She is filled with ideas but she cant focus on a single one. She's confused and it's easy to see that this indecision makes her the prime subject for a breakdown, which does eventually happen in the book.
Esther feels alone like there is no one that truly understands her, and in the indecisiveness factor of my life, I sometimes feel the same way. People toss around the word "indecisive" so casually but not many understand the huge burden that it can carry. People tell me to move on, that I should just go with my gut instinct, everything will work out, that it doesn't matter. But it does matter and it's not that easy. I feel like I need to know everything that's going on before I even consider making a decision. I let others make my decision for me and I lose my independence. It's actually kind of a weird thought that I can relate to this aspect of Esther's life so easily, because I saw what it did to her, and I have to take a step back and realize that I am in a totally different position.
Throughout the book Esther is constantly battling with her indecision or confusion. There are countless examples of this struggle, but there were two that are especially recognizable. One was when she imagines her life represented by a fig tree and each fig tells a different story of a possible future she could have. She knows that she can only choose one, but it's so overwhelming for her and she doesn't know what she really wants so she just sits there, paralyzed with indecision until the figs rot and fall to the ground. This is exactly how I feel. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go and so I just push off the decision, silently hoping that it will go away. I'm afraid that one day I'll pick a path, or to use the analogy, a fig, and I won't be able to go back. I'm stuck with the fig I chose.
Anyway, the second moment where Esther displays her indecision is when she makes plans for her summer but discards each plan in rapid succession. Nothing seems right to her, she can't find the perfect decision so she chooses to make none. Indecision is a decision of itself, although its probably the worst one you can make. She is filled with ideas but she cant focus on a single one. She's confused and it's easy to see that this indecision makes her the prime subject for a breakdown, which does eventually happen in the book.
Esther feels alone like there is no one that truly understands her, and in the indecisiveness factor of my life, I sometimes feel the same way. People toss around the word "indecisive" so casually but not many understand the huge burden that it can carry. People tell me to move on, that I should just go with my gut instinct, everything will work out, that it doesn't matter. But it does matter and it's not that easy. I feel like I need to know everything that's going on before I even consider making a decision. I let others make my decision for me and I lose my independence. It's actually kind of a weird thought that I can relate to this aspect of Esther's life so easily, because I saw what it did to her, and I have to take a step back and realize that I am in a totally different position.
Would Holden like Esther?
Holden and Esther, towards the beginning of the book, are actually quite similar. They both are scared of their respective futures and both have a cynical view on the world. Both are lectured by adults that think they need to change their attitude, both do not like fake people (phonies in Holden's case and people who live double lives in Esther's), yet both create alternate personalities for themselves. Both are virgins at the beginning of the novel and each is obsessed with the idea of sex. Similarly, they both have awkward reactions when faced with sexual encounters. To a reader that has read both stories, they caould easily see the parallels between the two characters (especially in the first half of the novel) and one would think they would bond and become good friends over these similarities.
However, I think that if they met, because Holden is not able to hear or understand Esther's true feelings and thoughts or learn about her past experiences in life, he would probably judge her as a phony in the first few moments of meeting her. This is probably because, while Holden and Esther feel the same way, Esther knows how to "play the game" as Holden puts it. She has all As in her classes, scholarships from colleges, internships, and adults seem to adore her. This is exactly the type of person that Holden would probably dislike. a "goody-two shoes. " At first impression, Holden wouldn't know that she is actually the type of person to break the rules and go against the crowd, someone that Holden would identify with.
Only after he would have gotten to know her would he see her depression and outlook on the world. People are different then they appear and this is something that I think that both Holden and Esther need to learn this about life. Both seem to judge from first glance, I think that, in the beginning of both books, they are so wrapped up with their own worlds and problems that they would fail to see someone suffering from something close to what they are feeling. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe their similarities would create a strong enough connection to see through the masks both wear.
However, I think that if they met, because Holden is not able to hear or understand Esther's true feelings and thoughts or learn about her past experiences in life, he would probably judge her as a phony in the first few moments of meeting her. This is probably because, while Holden and Esther feel the same way, Esther knows how to "play the game" as Holden puts it. She has all As in her classes, scholarships from colleges, internships, and adults seem to adore her. This is exactly the type of person that Holden would probably dislike. a "goody-two shoes. " At first impression, Holden wouldn't know that she is actually the type of person to break the rules and go against the crowd, someone that Holden would identify with.
Only after he would have gotten to know her would he see her depression and outlook on the world. People are different then they appear and this is something that I think that both Holden and Esther need to learn this about life. Both seem to judge from first glance, I think that, in the beginning of both books, they are so wrapped up with their own worlds and problems that they would fail to see someone suffering from something close to what they are feeling. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe their similarities would create a strong enough connection to see through the masks both wear.
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